I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
You Might Also Like
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I think my mom just blocked me
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
the greatest twitter interaction
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”