I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
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One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
🏙👨🏼
Saturday
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Battery falling down a hole
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste