@realHamOnWry: I still remember when airlines gave you two choices; smoking, and chain smoking.
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@dafloydsta: [movie night] Her: Can I pick tonight? Me: You picked last time and it was horrible Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
@alispagnola: I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, "helium." Also, my friend is a balloon.
@IamEveryDayPpl: Sometimes I pretend I'm picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
@sarcasm_inc: HI I SPIT GUM OUT OF MY CAR ON THE FREEWAY AND IT BLEW BACK IN MY EAR 911: Sir, u need to pull over WHAT 911: Use your other ear, sir WHAT