Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
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Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My background check bounced.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.