@causticbob: I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like...watch.
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@cbdoubleu: [Going through rubble after a house fire] Her [holding photo albums]: Totally ruined. Me [holding slices of bread]: Pretty much toast.
@UnFitz: Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy. Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
@bonehugsnirony: [someone compliments me] Me: thanks Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything Me: please don't Brain: lol yes