I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
nature’s most graceful animal
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?