I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20