@_odlanyeR: I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying "me too" after she told me she had a boyfriend
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@LinajkReturns: Hottest day ever recorded in November and my neighbor is already installing Christmas lights. So don't send me a fruitcake. Already got one.
@stevevsninjas: Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money? Like they do now... Holy shit.
@jdforshort: Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.