I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
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YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming