I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Netflix and you sit over there.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊