I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
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Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
I’m going to need a moment here.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
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Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”