@ohheyohhihello: I stole a friend's phone today and set it so it will autocorrect "I've" to "me've" and me'm really excited about it.
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@AthenaMystique: Coworker: Oh, look how beautiful! It's snowing again! Me: *stabs coworker with icicle*
@mynameisntdave: What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
@LoveNLunchmeat: If I ever get a Roomba, I'm gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
@ChipKellysBalls: Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?