I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
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wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know