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You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed