Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
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Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.