I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
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Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…