@bourgeoisalien: I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,"You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters."
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@0point5twins: Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "this isn't working, you take everything too literally". She'll be so happy when she sees the new one.
@djdarrellripley: It turns out condoms aren't 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet...
@Rollinintheseat: Sorry but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
@Book_Krazy: Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about? 9: You Me: What about me? 9: You won't think its as funny as we do