I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
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If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Bobby pin
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok