I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
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[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.