@WilliamAder: I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
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@jackiembouvier: I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
@Reverend_Scott: NEWS ANCHOR: Here's Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report. GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk] I quit. Back to you, John.
@Diversion50: IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar? ME: He's a well known, gimmick. IAN: Really? ME: That's Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.