@WilliamAder: I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
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@murrman5: [furious with son] wife: what happened? me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish [son from room] yolo isn't spanish me: ya see
@inpoliteco: If you're telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
@briancthayer: Kids, eat your vegetables. *reluctantly, they eat* [2 hrs later] *I eavesdrop on their convo* Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.