I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
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ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
hey, alexa
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Guilty! 🤪
That 👊
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats