@IamEnidColeslaw: I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
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@crushingbort: "there's only one thing to do when you're Zero Dark Thirsty" *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*
@FknVancouver: My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I'm starting to think he borrows it while I'm asleep
@robfee: Just downloaded the Lana Del Rey emoticon pack: Sad :| Happy :| Scared :| Excited :| Surprised :| Giving birth ;|
@TitansHomer: My cousin: "i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!" Me: "some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me"