ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
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Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
watergate? u mean a dam??
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.