Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
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#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?