My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
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My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.