I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
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Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
my mind
You just read my mind
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
there has never been a better use of this meme
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.