I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
You Might Also Like
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
dam girl
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier