I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
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My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
i’m sure it’s fine
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.