I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
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Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.