@MarlonBrandNO: I stuffed my mom last night. I know you're thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that's gross but jokes on you I'm a taxidermist
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@McGrumpenstein: I've named my cat "Before" & my chihuahua "After." It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
@IamEnidColeslaw: are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
@RonnieLauth: Overheard at a museum cafe: “What kind of coffee do you have?” “Uh. Just the kind they give us to brew.” “Well is it Kenyan? Ethiopian?” “Sir. It’s just coffee. Either buy it or don’t.” I love New Yorkers.
@AlexRogaski: [Me as 911 Operator] *phone rings* I wait for it to stop ringing and text back "what's up"