I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
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I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?