A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
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Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.