I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
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I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.