The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
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Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
LOOOOOOL
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar