I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
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Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow