@goldengateblond: I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all "oh she's much thinner than I thought, I'll adjust the numbers."
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@Discourt: I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn't have to hear her say she's done.
@Tw1tter_K1tten: Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
@stephenjmolloy: CEO of KFC: "We must always respect our customers. That is so important." Ian: "Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?" CEO: "Yes."
@callie_cakes: PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.