@goldengateblond: I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all "oh she's much thinner than I thought, I'll adjust the numbers."
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@Sickayduh: "In my defense, Your Honor, I only made comments about her yoga pants cause harassment a lot to me" "Bailiff, please hi-five the defendant"
@1InTheStinker: The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike! I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn't own a bike.
@Smooheed: If you've ever wondered what it's like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
@fro_vo: Dr: well i have good news and bad news Me: give me the bad news Dr: you have cancer Me: what's the good news Dr: i don't