I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
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[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.