I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
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I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice