It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
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My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.