I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
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If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.