I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
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A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.