I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
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My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE