@HehBuddy: I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Cleaning up is a superpower. Don't you want to be a superhero? 5-year-old: I'll just be a bad guy.
@joeljeffrey: I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.
@withanewname: "Honey, it's time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas" "You mean the birds & the bees?" "DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!"