@HehBuddy: I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
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@thenatewolf: *At a party* STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit? ME: No I'm the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
@shkeeber: Me: *puts ferret in box with cat* Mom: What are you doing? Me: Making carrets! Mom: Carrots? Me: Yup! *plays Barry White* Cat: *yowls*
@iliezabeth: REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs? ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
@MonSwanson: I can't wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don't have a boyfriend "because I'm such a pretty girl". I'm a psycho, grandma.