a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
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She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.