@HehBuddy: I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
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@QwertyJones3: [First date] Ok, don't let her know you're a pharmacist Her: Can you pass the salt? "Sure, it'll be ready in two hours."
@fillthevacuum: *died in your arms tonight* *stuffed in your trunk tomorrow* *buried in the woods the day after that*
@lisaxy424: My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her "golden shower" so goodnight.
@WeissBrandon: When I see a couple and the women's pregnant. I always walk up and YELL "why don't you tell him who is really the father." and walk away