@juliussharpe: I support legalized marijuana because if everyone else is stoned I can trick them out of money.
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@mijamtweets: Someone asked where I'm from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, "Like That '70s Show!" and I clarified, "More like Making a Murderer."
@lovemyboots111: "One day I caught myself smiling for no reason, then I realized I was thinking of you...." under a moving bus
@MmeSurly: My kids wouldn't stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they're crying and I'm like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.