If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
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My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I’m an avid indoorsman.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.