The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
You Might Also Like
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?