@TheTweetOfGod: I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
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@Brampersandon_: WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
@eddiesnextwife: My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays. I'll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
@_Water_Baby: Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.