I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
You Might Also Like
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
handsome & gretel
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy