@seamussaid: I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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@sixfootcandy: (first date) Me: *hyperventilating* Him: Don't be nervous. Take a deep breath. Me: Can't. I'm wearing three pairs of Spanx.
@primawesome: If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it's only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
@ArfMeasures: ME: This car's perfect except for one thing WIFE: Yes, there's no room for the childre- ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it's perfect