@seamussaid: I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
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@mortimermaiden: Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card? Guy: They're all my cards, give me my wallet back.
@JeffSarcastic: *sends epic tweet* [no likes 3 hours later] *waits 2 weeks, sends again* [no likes 1 day later] *starts typing* NSA: dude, let it go
@envydatropic: I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
@That_Damn_Duck: At McDonalds Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap