When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.