Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
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The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”