@ColoChiver: I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.
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@ihateitmunky: a professional thief tries to steal my wallet but i'm wearing skinny jeans so his hand just gets stuck in my pocket
@david8hughes: [taking baby's shoes off] Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It's almost as if you were carried everywhere.
@WarrenHolstein: Melania Trump says her husband is "not Hitler." That's true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.