@LarryNow: "I sure hope Pitbull and Nicky Minaj do an album together!" - said no one ever.
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@maughammom: Me: "Want a banana?" 3yo: "Yes, but don't cut it up. And don't peel it. And don't make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle."
@Samiam556: Apparently the safe word has changed to... NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye....
@JustDontBugMe: MIL: You're going to give me a heart attack someday! M: Last time I checked you didn't even have a heart.
@cynicanoldicus: The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood.