Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
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My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Always a metermaid never a meter
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look