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@kelownagoose: "I sure hope that was a cracker"
-Me eating in the dark.
@DowntimeDad: If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
@DaddyBeerGuy: In case you haven't checked Facebook,
It's hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
@dulcetry: This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
@noog: If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they're not talking to you anymore
@GianDoh: *Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.