Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
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Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
inside you are two wolves
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
A new level of troll.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!