I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.