I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Milk Cube
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.