@TheDairylandDon: I swallow at least one note per meal that says "we're all really proud of you," in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
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@leahloveslovely: Vodka bottles should come printed with a crisis hotline number to call in the event you feel like texting your ex
@Leemanish: I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall - & I'm like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
@Storminika: I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
@EndhooS: Wife: He's always lying about his celebrity connections.. Therapist: Is this true? Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.