I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
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Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.