I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
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How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Fight
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
we’re gonna need another temp
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”